We Are Losing Respect

00:00:01: When was the last time someone made you feel invisible?

00:00:06: Do remember how it felt.

00:00:08: and now, the harder question.

00:00:10: when was the Last Time YOU did that to someone else?

00:00:26: Hello!

00:00:27: And welcome back.

00:00:28: Today we're talking about respect.

00:00:30: We may all say we practice it but...when look a bit closer..we see How much of poster value has become.

00:00:38: Respect is one those social elements we immediately notice when its lacking in other people's behavior.

00:00:44: but we easily overlook how often it's missing in our own.

00:00:47: In work environments and a leadership, We often see demanded more than its practiced.

00:00:53: But why?

00:00:55: I think respect is one of those words that we use so often That we've stopped thinking about what actually means.

00:01:02: We say value it, expect It!

00:01:04: We certainly notice when it's Missing.

00:01:07: When was the last time you asked yourself What does look like when i'm being respectful?

00:01:13: How do I behave in this world?

00:01:15: Not just as a leader but generally, as human.

00:01:18: Especially the small moments that easily go unnoticed.

00:01:22: Respect isn't just politeness.

00:01:24: Politeness is more of social choreography.

00:01:27: we've learned to find acceptance on our cultural environment.

00:01:31: Different cultures consider different behaviors polite.

00:01:35: You can actually be perfectly polite and completely dismissive at same time.

00:01:40: We all know people who have mastered that combination.

00:01:43: So respect is something much deeper, it's the act of really seeing someone not just the people you know but anyone respecting their time.

00:01:52: they're effort there dignity and their presence.

00:01:55: It means treating The People in front of You as Someone Who Matters Not Because Of What They Can Do For You But Because They Are There.

00:02:03: Sounds Pretty Obvious Right?

00:02:05: Most Would Agree And Say They Do This.

00:02:07: If Everyone Did we Wouldn't Have To Talk About It.

00:02:10: Let me tell you about a moment that held the mirror up for me and made me reflect.

00:02:15: I was at IKEA with a friend, and needed to return something.

00:02:18: The queue of the returns counter was pretty long And we had to wait almost an hour just to be served By the time it was my turn... ...I was already tense!

00:02:28: The woman on the counter tried to help But she couldn't find the item On her receipt.

00:02:32: She pulled in the system.

00:02:34: In addition there's language barrier.

00:02:37: Her English wasn't strong and so the conversation kept going in circles.

00:02:41: I could feel my patience running out, And i was super close to snapping.

00:02:45: You know that moment when you're about say something like this is ridiculous.

00:02:50: Why can't she find it?

00:02:51: Where your whole frustration Is about to land on that person even though they are trying their best.

00:02:56: That's why my friend gently stepped-in.

00:02:59: He saw a nametag.

00:03:00: an addressed her by her name.

00:03:02: he looked at her kindly not past her.

00:03:04: He spoke slowly and explained the situation one more time.

00:03:09: The whole atmosphere shifted, she relaxed even smiled.

00:03:13: I was just standing there observing.

00:03:15: it turned out There had been a simple misunderstanding.

00:03:18: because of multiple receipts for one delivery She had been searching the item in the wrong one.

00:03:25: Just couple moments later this situation was resolved.

00:03:28: You see, the problem was easy to solve.

00:03:31: What had been blocking this solution... ...was my behavior and atmosphere.

00:03:35: it created My impatience The pressure she must have felt The tension of miscommunication.

00:03:41: what my friend did Was simple.

00:03:43: He changed the atmosphere by doing the smallest possible thing Saying her name And seeing her as a person Just standing there and observing.

00:03:53: I felt pretty uncomfortable Realizing that i'd be about do opposite.

00:03:57: I was about to make a stressed woman's day worse because of my frustration about waiting.

00:04:02: Now, i had always considered myself a respectful person but there it was.

00:04:07: the mirror was held up to me super quietly and i was unable to look away.

00:04:12: .I Was About To Become That Angry Person In A Queue that Makes Big Fast Because They Think they Deserve Better The Kind Of Person If I Were To Observe Her , I Wouldn't Want To Be.

00:04:23: We've All Seen This Scenario in Some Form Somewhere.

00:04:26: Have you ever been that person?

00:04:28: That moment was a wake-up call, not allowed or dramatic one.

00:04:32: More like a quiet tap on the shoulder.

00:04:34: it made me look a bit closer at moments where I would risk being that person again.

00:04:39: Most people probably consider themselves respectful just as i did but when realized certain situations trigger disrespect wanted to understand how identify key influences and behavior patterns.

00:04:53: What I learned about respect is that when it's not anchored in a continuous practice, It easily turns into performance.

00:05:00: Think of it as our social software.

00:05:03: That runs fine under normal conditions But the moment stress enters the picture When our ego or sense of power takes over That software easily breaks down.

00:05:13: Just think about it for a moment Wouldn't you agree?

00:05:17: most people are perfectly respectful?

00:05:19: When things going well?

00:05:20: When they're in good mood When they're talking to someone, They consider an equal or Someone.

00:05:25: They need something from.

00:05:26: but that's not really respect.

00:05:28: I would say it's more of a social strategy.

00:05:32: Real respect shows up when It's inconvenient when you're tired Or running late?

00:05:37: When the person in front Of You can't do anything for you.

00:05:41: this is when we Can see if Respectful others Is grounded In our values or Performed exclusively For A group of people We Consider Worthy.

00:05:50: So when you haven't clarified what you really stand for, respect becomes a situational currency.

00:05:56: You may be respectful with your colleagues at work but treat people serving you in the restaurant or ticket counter quite differently.

00:06:03: The question is What impacts this selective form of respect?

00:06:07: Status and power are most common triggers to let our respect become performative and selective.

00:06:14: Stress also has an impact.

00:06:17: I've heard many stories of leaders losing themselves to a degree you would never expect, going as far as throw things at people in the meeting.

00:06:25: If respect easily bends depending on our mood and how much patience we have left it's time step back.

00:06:32: check if its really grounded into everyday behaviour with clear value.

00:06:36: With Grounded i don't just mean that commit yourself to idea others deserve your respect but that you truly uncover which triggers get you lose.

00:06:45: We don't have to look at anything as dramatic, as managers throwing things at people or politicians showing the middle finger to someone asking an uncomfortable question.

00:06:55: Disrespect can be so much quieter.

00:06:57: The challenge is that we easily overlook our body language and behavior but others feel immediately whether we respect them.

00:07:05: Just imagine somebody rolling their eyes interrupting a colleague with hand gesture Or checking your phone while you're talking.

00:07:13: I experienced that gap between my respectful intentions and actual behavior at IKEA.

00:07:19: My friend carried a more grounded form of respect, not because he's a saint but because his respect wasn't conditional And i started to observe him a bit more often.

00:07:29: What i noticed was That He Was using the act Of addressing people by their name whenever he could.

00:07:35: Sometimes he would even ask waitress for her name.

00:07:38: I noticed that he had understood.

00:07:40: saying people's names was the simplest form of seeing them and showing them you respect them.

00:07:46: Just think about how often we see leaders in particular getting peoples' name wrong on emails or not addressing them at all because they are so busy, using a simple greeting appears to be waste of their time.

00:07:58: Hey!

00:07:59: Send this report by end-of-business thanks since when has being been busy become an excuse for not being respectful?

00:08:06: Communication and the way we act are key signals of respectful behavior.

00:08:11: So, We need to watch out for the triggers that weaken our respect.

00:08:15: muscles especially status-and power deserve a closer look.

00:08:19: Dacher Keltner, a psychologist at UC Berkeley has spent years studying what he calls The Power Paradox.

00:08:26: His findings are pretty uncomfortable!

00:08:35: But once we have power, those exact qualities begin to rot.

00:08:39: According to his research people in positions of power become less empathetic, less attentive to others and more impulsive.

00:08:47: Keltner describes the effect as almost neurological.

00:08:51: it's as if power damages our ability to see the world from someone else's perspective.

00:08:57: so its not just a character flaw.

00:09:02: The more status, wealth and authority someone has the more likely they are to treat others dismissively.

00:09:09: They tend to interrupt... ...they stop listening… And assume their time matters more!

00:09:14: We can see this everywhere –the leader who is charming in the boardroom but never learns the name of a person who greets them with a smile every day then cleans their office– the executive who preaches.

00:09:25: our people are our greatest asset-and checks their phone while somebody on that team is presenting the person in a restaurant who shouts at the waiter for delayed order.

00:09:35: It's this typical, I demand your respect but you don't really deserve mind-dynamic.

00:09:40: We easily become kings and queens of our own little worlds.

00:09:44: The reason i told about my IKEA moment is that we often dont recognize ourselves In those examples.

00:09:51: Its uncomfortable!

00:09:52: We usually look into the mirror when were are best But avoid moments where might see aside us That we do not like to see.

00:10:00: As mentioned, a lack of respect doesn't need to show up as screaming or throwing things.

00:10:05: More often it looks like not seeing the person... ...not really listening and not being present.

00:10:11: It's quiet and easily goes unnoticed And that is what makes this so dangerous.

00:10:16: Now I'm not presenting a moral argument here!

00:10:24: Christine Porat at Georgetown University has been studying workplace incivility for over twenty years.

00:10:32: What she's found should bother every leader listening, when people don't feel respected at work it definitely hasn't impact on their performance.

00:10:40: In her research with hundreds of managers and employees across multiple industries She found that half those who experienced disrespect intentionally pulled back.

00:10:50: more than a third deliberately reduced the quality.

00:10:54: Two-thirds said their overall performance declined.

00:10:57: Let those numbers sink in for a moment, these aren't people quitting they're just not bringing their best work anymore.

00:11:04: and it gets worse.

00:11:05: In experimental studies she found that when People are witnessing disrespect so Not being the target of It but Just Being in The Room When It Happens?

00:11:14: It also Significantly Reduces People's Cognitive Performance.

00:11:18: Their Creativity Drops So Does Their Willingness to Help and their ability to solve problems also declines.

00:11:25: Think about what that means for a team, one dismissive comment in the meeting doesn't just affect the person it was directed at – It affects everyone who witnessed it!

00:11:34: The entire team feels little less safe is less willing take risks & less creative.

00:11:40: Porat herself puts quite bluntly Incivility usually arises not from malice but ignorance.

00:11:48: Most people don't intend be disrespectful.

00:11:51: They're stressed, they're distracted.

00:11:53: They are running on empty.

00:11:54: Does this sound familiar?

00:11:56: Respect isn't about intention but impact.

00:11:59: You can have the best intentions in world and still create an environment where people don't feel seen heard or valued.

00:12:05: When we talk about psychological safety innovation trust & performance respect is a foundation underneath all of it.

00:12:14: Without it nothing else you try to build as leader will be stable.

00:12:18: So I started paying attention to how i showed up in small interactions, who was seeing and walking past.

00:12:26: What I found wasn't comfortable!

00:12:28: I noticed that under stress my respect muscles got weaker not in dramatic ways...I certainly wasn't yelling at anyone but..i was cutting conversations short.

00:12:38: ..i was half listening ...and often not seen people.

00:12:41: In a way , i would say being efficient with humans.

00:12:44: But thats not very respectful don't you think?

00:12:47: So I built myself an exercise because i wanted to follow through on my intention of being a respectful person.

00:13:16: Give it a name, something like greeted barista personally at the café this morning.

00:13:21: Approach new colleague in the hallway and ask her name.

00:13:24: Listen to my partner attentively even after long day.

00:13:28: Stick them somewhere where you can see them.

00:13:31: The second part takes more courage.

00:13:33: Every time catch moment when didn't see someone Where were dismissive distracted or just not present.

00:13:40: write that down too.

00:13:42: Didn't once look at waitress lunch Interrupted colleague during stand-up, rolled my eyes over slow receptionist at dentist.

00:13:50: Same wall different colored post-its.

00:13:53: The goal isn't to prove you're a good or bad person.

00:13:56: I'm just asking you to notice what usually goes unnoticed.

00:14:00: We are trying to uncover our behavior patterns.

00:14:03: Who other people you overlook most?

00:14:05: In which situations do become selective?

00:14:08: with your respect What triggers you?

00:14:10: is it stress status differences being in a hurry or tired?

00:14:14: Trust me, that's data about yourself That no leadership program will ever give you.

00:14:19: I can tell from my own experience.

00:14:21: This exercise is humbling and fun.

00:14:24: Occasionally it's painful too.

00:14:26: You'll catch yourself doing things you judge others for.

00:14:30: You may laugh at your self when catching a weak moment And probably cringe couple of times.

00:14:35: The best part?

00:14:36: You also notice the moments where got it right.

00:14:39: Those moments feel different because now see their value.

00:14:43: Awareness is the whole point, because once you see it.

00:14:47: You can't unsee it Once you feel what It's like to truly See someone and To realize when you haven't?

00:14:53: You become a different kind of leader.

00:14:55: I think The conversation about respect has been stuck for too long in the wrong place.

00:15:00: We keep talking About it as if it's A value that just comes naturally Like something you Can declare on a company website And there it Is.

00:15:08: we all know it isn't.

00:15:10: It should clearly be a value.

00:15:11: Yes, but one that is turned into conscious practice because like any practice it gets stronger when you work at it and weaker when you don't.

00:15:20: Stress weakens it Power instead of weakened it.

00:15:23: Distraction does so too.

00:15:25: The only thing that strengthens in?

00:15:27: Is our attention?

00:15:28: Deliberate repeated an honest attention to how he show up with other people.

00:15:33: My friend didn't give me a speech about respect.

00:15:35: He used the woman's name.

00:15:37: That was it the smallest possible act of seeing another person.

00:15:41: It shifted that entire situation and it clearly left a mark on me.

00:15:46: Imagine what grounded respect could do for your team, your company in daily interactions with people around you?

00:15:53: Try this experiment!

00:15:54: Just three days.

00:15:56: get some post-its.

00:15:57: pay attention see where find.

00:15:59: I'd love to hear what comes up.

00:16:01: if this episode resonated please share Not as a hint like, I think you could use some more respect.

00:16:10: Rather make it an invitation.

00:16:12: Tell them about your own findings Find people who want to join you and turn this into group experience.

00:16:18: It becomes much easier And You can even challenge each other.

00:16:22: Invite Your family & friends If you're courageous leader – your entire team.

00:16:27: Respect is the muscle we can train.

00:16:30: The good part of it?

00:16:32: The stronger it gets…the less depends on our mood.

00:16:35: Visible genuine respect is also an invitation for others to follow your lead.

00:16:40: That's it for todays episode, the next reflection episode is a training plan for your respect muscles.

00:16:47: If you haven't done your respects stacking before It won't land in the same way.

00:16:51: You need the observation first.

00:16:53: For now get curious about the patterns you'll find and just do it.

00:16:57: Connect with me on LinkedIn And tell me about Your experience.

00:17:01: Hit the subscribe button To not miss The Reflection Episode.

00:17:05: Stay curious, stay tuned.

00:17:07: Thanks for tuning in to the New Work Playbook where work gets better because people matter!