Listen to Understand

00:00:14: Welcome to this week's reflection episode.

00:00:16: It is the one following Tuesdays main episode called The Talking Reflex.

00:00:21: Before we start, I want you listen a conversation.

00:00:43: I'm surprised to hear you're struggling with the team.

00:00:46: You are a great project manager, i know this one is tough but you've managed other challenging ones really well!

00:00:53: Yes...but we struggled in time line.

00:00:55: It was too optimistic The teams exhausted There were more and more mistakes happening…I

00:01:00: understand And feel your frustration But listen..the Project Is Really Important.

00:01:06: That's why I gave it To you.

00:01:08: Hang In there.

00:01:09: Your Doing A Great Job.

00:01:10: I'll speak to Karen and see what we can do about the timeline.

00:01:14: Okay?

00:01:15: Um, okay sure thank you.

00:01:18: Did you notice what happened in this conversation?

00:01:20: What did Mark actually want to discuss And what was the goal of the manager?

00:01:25: Did she come with the intention To understand him?

00:01:28: Sure She listened and appeared to be warm and caring.

00:01:32: She sounded encouraging.

00:01:33: An even promised help But mark left with nothing Because he didn't came for a pep talk.

00:01:40: He came because mistakes are piling up and he can see where they lead.

00:02:07: Maybe even more frustrated because now he thinks, He's on his own.

00:02:11: The manager's intention is quite obvious.

00:02:14: She wants him to keep going and take care of things.

00:02:17: Now let's run this conversation again.

00:02:19: But this time she listens To understand.

00:02:23: Watch what happens when she actually Wants to know

00:02:26: How are you doing Mark?

00:02:28: Is everything alright?

00:02:29: You seem a bit Frustrated.

00:02:31: Tell me whats going On.

00:02:33: Well...to be honest I am frustrated.

00:02:37: The project isn't going well.

00:02:39: I'm having a hard time with the team, considering stepping down as Project Lead.

00:02:44: Okay that's serious decision.

00:02:46: What makes you consider

00:02:47: it?

00:02:48: The teams exhausted.

00:02:50: We're making mistakes and feel like i am losing control.

00:02:54: Yes!

00:02:55: I know the timeline was optimistic.

00:02:58: Tell me what is actually happening

00:03:06: and we never mapped it properly onto how people actually work day-to-day.

00:03:11: So the pilot surfaced this, And were still on the initial timeline?

00:03:15: Exactly!

00:03:16: That's part that worries me because it invites more mistakes.

00:03:20: What happens if you keep going without fixing connection problem first

00:03:24: Then roll out company wide?

00:03:26: The mistake won't be small anymore.

00:03:28: They'll hit.

00:03:29: every team depends upon.

00:03:31: Okay...that is what I needed to hear.

00:03:33: This isn't really about you or your team.

00:03:36: It's that the timeline is built on an assumption.

00:03:38: The pilot already proved wrong.

00:03:40: Yes, That's it!

00:03:42: What kept you from addressing this sooner?

00:03:45: Honestly I thought was my job to absorb it.

00:03:48: Karen has seen the Pilot findings and the Timeline stayed

00:03:52: Okay.

00:03:53: i understand And really appreciate your commitment and willingness To push through.

00:03:58: But thats not On You Not This.

00:04:00: Let me repeat what I heard The pilot showed the tool doesn't cleanly map to our existing systems and processes, Thank you for bringing this to me now, Mark.

00:04:34: I really appreciate your

00:04:35: commitment.".

00:05:00: The manager saw Mark was frustrated and reached for the fastest fix.

00:05:05: Reassure him, lift them up keep him going.

00:05:08: And so she squeezed in a conversation with only that goal in mind.

00:05:13: But consider what it cost her.

00:05:15: by focusing on a pep talk She closed the door to the information That mattered!

00:05:20: She didn't ask a single question To find out how serious It actually Was.

00:05:25: If she'd asked just two questions from second scene What makes you consider it?

00:05:31: And what kind of

00:05:31: mistakes?".

00:05:33: She would have heard enough to keep asking.

00:05:35: Instead, she talked herself right past the emergency!

00:05:39: That's where talking reflects can cost us.

00:05:42: It doesn't just leave people unheard but hides things we need know.

00:05:46: So what could've stopped her from giving a pep talk Seeing Marx frustration and responding with intention To understand whats going on?

00:05:55: This is first most important practice and it's the one we rarely train.

00:06:00: Let's call it The Intention Check!

00:06:02: For a leader, the intention isn't a choice.

00:06:06: When someone comes to you.

00:06:07: there is really only one to start with And that is to understand them.

00:06:11: So this not about choosing an intension.

00:06:14: It's catching the ones that compete with what has come first Because We Rarely Walk in Empty.

00:06:20: There Is Always Something We Want Keep The Person Going Wrap This Up Fast because of A Meeting Get People Back On Track protect the decision we already made.

00:06:30: Do you notice what each of those does?

00:06:32: The moment we want a particular outcome, We've already decided where the conversation should end and if we've decided the outcome... ...we're not listening but talking our way toward it.

00:06:44: That's what happened in the first conversation.

00:06:46: Her intention was to keep Mark going.

00:06:49: She didn't listen because her goal ran the entire conversation.

00:06:53: So the intention check is a simple honest question before you go into any conversation.

00:06:59: What do I want out of this?

00:07:01: If the answer's anything other than to understand, write it down and put it aside because It's not that the other goals don't matter they do but They come later.

00:07:12: You can't understand someone And manage them toward your goals at the same time.

00:07:17: The initial goal Is To Understand First.

00:07:20: It's simple and super effective, but only if you make it a habit.

00:07:25: And none of this is new!

00:07:27: Over thirty years ago Stephen Covey put in one line Seek first to understand then be understood.

00:07:34: You've probably heard it But most people will hear it.

00:07:37: Reach for the how.

00:07:38: Make eye contact Reflect back what you heard.

00:07:41: Validate person infront of you.

00:07:43: Show empathy.

00:07:45: That's the trap we talked about In main episode.

00:07:48: Those are techniques And the technique without the right intention is just performance.

00:07:54: So, The check it's that!

00:07:56: It takes only a moment to think about what might be competing with your intension and to actively put aside until you've listened and understood.

00:08:06: This is the foundation.

00:08:08: Now What?

00:08:09: How do we actually get there ?

00:08:10: First practice opens the door.

00:08:13: Second will help you walk through it.

00:08:15: It' s the practice of asking good questions Not as simple as the check, but something you build conversation by conversation.

00:08:25: In The Talking Reflex I said if we understood what a great question does far more of our Sentences would end with a question mark instead of a period.

00:08:34: As someone who started her career in executive search asking Great Questions was one of my first learning goals.

00:08:41: It not only determined the quality of interviews But mattered just as much for understanding What My Clients Actually Needed.

00:08:48: And the first thing I came to understand is that how we phrase a question already influences the answer.

00:08:56: Take the difference between these two, so you enjoy developing your people right?

00:09:01: and what are your thoughts about developing people ?

00:09:05: You see ,the first one isn't really a question.

00:09:08: it's me giving the person an idea of ​​what i want to hear.

00:09:11: The second one shows that I REALLY WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING AND THAT'S THE PART.

00:09:15: THAT MATTERS.

00:09:17: One of the reasons I enjoyed working in executive search was my genuine curiosity about people and companies.

00:09:43: Edgar Schein, who studied this for decades called the different approach The Humble Inquiry asking from genuine curiosity with the assumption that a person in front of you knows something.

00:09:55: You don't and This is where I want to mention one Of the three influences again.

00:09:59: For why many leaders aren't great listeners?

00:10:02: The fact That most leadership education focuses on sending And not receiving and on doing it with confidence, uncertainty instead of staying open to the things we don't know.

00:10:13: Such leadership training also feeds a talking reflex – It shuts down curiosity and the willingness to listen!

00:10:21: Now what are moves come up meaning for questions?

00:10:24: I will give you four that i've found most useful.

00:10:27: The first one already gave me my example Ask Open-ended Questions but just check how often we keep asking leading and close questions.

00:10:37: We do it for the same reason I gave you the intention check as practice.

00:10:41: one way too often, we think talking is leading And that's why we try to steer conversations instead of listening.

00:10:48: To understand i don't have to give your list Of open questions.

00:10:52: they usually start with what?

00:10:55: How or tell me?

00:10:57: Instead i'm asking You to check how Often leading and closed ones are still driving Your conversations.

00:11:03: Just count every time you catch yourself in the next week.

00:11:06: You might be surprised, and once you notice... ...you will change to open questions faster!

00:11:12: The second move is to shift from asking why questions….

00:11:15: …to what questions?

00:11:17: In the second scene, the manager asked What kept your from addressing this sooner?

00:11:21: She could have also asked Why didn't you address that

00:11:24: sooner?!

00:11:25: But the WHY could've triggered defensiveness And most likely Mark's answer wouldn't have been as open.

00:11:31: Why questions push people to justify and rationalize?

00:11:35: While what questions open them up.

00:11:38: So when you catch a why rising in you, especially about something that went wrong turn it into What question.

00:11:45: The third move is less about Questions And more About what allows Them To settle In People's heads and not to Push for the closest answer.

00:11:54: It's A simple short pause.

00:11:56: Most people struggle with silence in a conversation its awkward One second and we jump back in, leaving no space for the other person to really think before they answer.

00:12:07: Research found that if you extend your pause to just three seconds The quality of answers improves significantly.

00:12:15: So ask a question And wait.

00:12:18: That's all!

00:12:18: Sounds simple but believe me Before I practice this Counting two-three In my head Until the pause became habit The last move is the one that does more than any other.

00:12:32: Asking follow-up questions.

00:12:34: It's a follow up on what the person just said.

00:12:37: You said you're losing grip, What do mean by this?

00:12:40: What happening right now?

00:12:42: Follow Up Questions are the clearest signal That your listening!

00:12:51: and see how much more you understand, get back.

00:13:01: These are four key moves for better questions Together with the intention check.

00:13:06: they're two practices that will not only allow deeper listening but also improve your connection to people around you.

00:13:15: So use them with friends or family too.

00:13:17: Let me give a quick summary Check your intentions first make understanding priority.

00:13:23: Ask better question by making open-ended by shifting from why to what questions.

00:13:30: Accept the silence and allow for pauses of at least three seconds, And ask follow-up questions!

00:13:36: These are the practices for today.

00:13:39: Let me know where you experience using them.

00:13:41: You can write to me on LinkedIn or send an email Next week.

00:13:45: I will look into the challenge Of giving people purpose & direction.

00:13:49: So stay curious Stay tuned.

00:13:52: Thanks for tuning in to The New Work Playbook where work gets better because people matter.