The Talking Reflex

00:00:01: Would you say that your a good listener?

00:00:15: Hello and welcome to the Newark Playbook.

00:00:18: If he called yourself, A Good Listener And other people agree Congratulations!

00:00:23: You are one among of few.

00:00:25: Why a few?

00:00:26: Most people consider themselves good listeners.

00:00:29: Seventy percent Of managers think they Are.

00:00:32: We rate our ability To listen A lot like we rate Our driving skills.

00:00:37: Almost everyone thinks They're great drivers But guess how many employees feel hurt and understood?

00:00:43: The gap is striking.

00:00:45: When three out of four managers claim to have strong listening abilities, How come only one or three people on their team feels understood?

00:00:53: Three factors strongly influence this gap!

00:00:57: The first is that despite most us feeling highly self-aware research has found that only fifteen percent truly are.

00:01:05: Doesn't this feel kind of strange considering how much we've invested in self-reflection?

00:01:10: Shouldn't we have the most self aware leaders, if you tuned into The Authenticity Theatre.

00:01:16: You probably remember that I mentioned the inward focus our society to be problematic in many ways and interestingly it has not contributed more authenticity than self awareness.

00:01:30: Our discomfort with seeing our flaws and fallibility makes it impossible to see ourselves clearly by only looking inside.

00:01:38: Just like authenticity cannot result from self-reference alone, Self awareness needs internal and external observation.

00:01:47: So the second influence explains a gap between the self perception of managers And their employees quite well It's workplace dilemma.

00:01:55: we can observe in many companies The lack of honest feedback from employees to their management.

00:02:01: Yet, feedback is the external part that allows for true self-awareness.

00:02:06: Without it we depend on what we think others see but our perception of how people see us is strongly biased.

00:02:14: Everyone has blind spots and behavioral patterns.

00:02:17: We can only change if someone who sees them tells us And no one was born a great leader.

00:02:23: Some have some favorable abilities but they still develop in connection with others.

00:02:28: Which brings me to the third influence, The way we select and develop leaders.

00:02:34: Our Western business world has always favored a confident charismatic an overly certain leader Someone who presents themselves strategies end goals In away.

00:02:45: that leaves hardly any room for doubts or questions.

00:02:48: leadership selection And training both contributed To this focus.

00:02:52: They put emphasis on charisma and confident presentation, On people making the right appearance able to pitch ideas And win any audience.

00:03:02: Especially in leadership education The focus was mostly one-directional Sending instead of receiving Talking Instead of listening.

00:03:11: A study in two thousand fifteen Put numbers to it.

00:03:14: Seventy eight percent Of accredited business goals Named presenting as a learning goal.

00:03:20: Only eleven percent named listening.

00:03:23: Yet when people are asked which communication skill matters most at work, listening comes out at the top!

00:03:29: So this skill that matters is one we rarely get taught.

00:03:34: Surely something has been done in the past decade to catch up on this learning gap by engaging managers in active listening?

00:03:41: It became a buzzword to address the obvious need but it didn't really bring about better understanding.

00:03:47: Why's That?

00:03:48: Let me give you an example.

00:03:49: You may have experienced the following yourself.

00:03:52: The person listening to you clearly shows they are, They nod and say uh-huh in the right moments!

00:04:17: what has been on their mind since the conversation started.

00:04:21: That's how active listening training becomes a technique that can feel equally manipulative as performed empathy, What missing is the willingness to understand.

00:04:31: Give managers just techniques and nothing changes.

00:04:35: It all comes down to intention And this is harder part of train because it depends other qualities.

00:04:41: The intent in understanding another person Is commitment with effort And it is connected to empathy, patience and care.

00:04:50: These aren't the kind of abilities most managers get praised or rewarded for.

00:04:55: People with little or none of these qualities will hardly develop their intention to understand other people.

00:05:01: They can be given active listening training until that performance feels almost perfect But they won't become good listeners as there focus remains on their own agenda presenting themselves and their ideas & answers in every meeting & conversation.

00:05:16: They don't seem to find much value in listening.

00:05:19: Unfortunately, this is only partially a matter of character or ego!

00:05:24: In the power paradox I address the impact power has on almost anyone.

00:05:28: Ducca Keltner's research has shown various effects – even leaders with right intentions and behavior at start succumbed to corrupting forces because power lowers our attention to others, makes us less empathetic and less caring.

00:05:46: The more power people hold the less they are surrounded by people willing to honestly say how they see them and push back.

00:05:54: So it shouldn't come as a surprise that senior managers and executives are rarely among highly self-aware people.

00:06:00: Research is pretty consistent here –the more power they hold, the more they overrate themselves.

00:06:09: But despite knowing how power influences manager behavior and silences people below, we keep building these kinds of environments where the intention –and ability- managers would need to listen and understand– gets undermined by how organizations are structured.

00:06:26: And then we wonder about disengagement and lack of trust in leadership.

00:06:32: Just think about your own experience.

00:06:35: Who other people you trust the most?

00:06:39: It's usually people who understand you well, isn't it?

00:06:43: Now.

00:06:43: You may ask what about three hundred and sixty degree feedback.

00:06:46: first of all only a third of companies really use it And it only works Well in organizations that show high levels of trust and psychological safety which Isn't the majority.

00:06:58: even bigger organizations where anonymous Feedback can be gathered through enough People without any form of traceability.

00:07:05: The slightest fear Of retaliation brings no realistic insights And examples of how management has been pushing employees for overly positive feedback aren't rare stories.

00:07:16: They are a signal of what power does to feedback.

00:07:19: Such assessments also don't run as often, As upward-feedback would be needed To catch problematic behavior early enough to steer against it.

00:07:28: This is how the gap between a manager's self perception and employee experience Gets enforced through company structure & culture And it's why listening to understand is still one of the biggest weaknesses in leadership communication.

00:07:42: Stephen Covey's Most People Do Not Listen With The Intent To Understand, they listen with the intent to reply has probably been repeated a million times.

00:07:52: most people who hear It not along.

00:07:55: we hear it We agree and then we move on.

00:07:58: nothing In how?

00:07:59: We listen actually changes.

00:08:02: When I read his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People During My Studies, i nodded along too.

00:08:07: But it didn't make listen to understand and not reply my personal mantra until i experienced the true value.

00:08:15: because let's be honest listening to another person requires effort and energy so its absolutely understandable that we preserve this energy for our conversations.

00:08:29: In our personal environment, this selective effort is less questionable but also not desirable.

00:08:35: It eventually keeps us in our bubble and comfort zone – it can make us avoidant of different perspectives and less tolerant.

00:08:43: But when it comes to leadership being selective about who you're willing listen too Is the same performative act as selective respect?

00:08:52: If your willingness only extends a selected few Your ability to understand and see anyone outside this group is limited from the start.

00:09:03: And the circle becomes smaller, the higher you sit –and the more your organization shields you-from the voices he would need to hear!

00:09:11: So let's talk about the value of listening to understand because the investment pays off in many ways.

00:09:18: One key leadership responsibility is guide people and get them do their best work.

00:09:24: Still, many people misunderstand this responsibility as giving people answers and telling them what to do.

00:09:31: That's not guidance!

00:09:32: And it rarely gets the best from anyone.

00:09:35: Worse – It drains a manager while makes people complacent.

00:09:39: So if you feel like always need hand-people answer & keep asking yourself why they don't think more for themselves.

00:09:47: chances are You're missing out on potential of improving your listening skills Because research shows that when we feel truly listened to, We start to think better.

00:09:58: Our guard comes down!

00:10:00: We become more honest with others and ourselves And get better at expressing what actually mean.

00:10:07: So being really listened to improves our thinking.

00:10:11: Good listening lowers a speaker's anxiety Which lowers their defensiveness.

00:10:16: It lets them look at the own thinking more honestly and become more open to what comes back.

00:10:22: Coaching in therapy use exactly this positive influence, And This shows us that most managers' talking reflex really costs Because every time they focus on answering people They take away the opportunity for a more open and deeper conversation.

00:10:40: That would allow people think about themselves and develop The Talking Reflex reaches for answers.

00:10:46: Listening to understand does the opposite.

00:10:50: It opens the conversation through genuine attention and great questions.

00:10:54: A great question hands the thinking back to the other person, an answer shuts it down!

00:11:01: If we understood what a great question does far more of our sentences would end with a question mark instead of a period.

00:11:09: so The ability to ask great questions is the engine of real listening.

00:11:14: Try to find that training in most leadership courses And the lack of questions also gives fake active listening away.

00:11:22: There's even a name for people who go through whole conversation without asking anything, zero questioners!

00:11:29: I recently sat next to group friends in restaurant.

00:11:33: one woman loudly dominated the whole conversation.

00:11:36: she continuously talked about herself showed zero interest and her friend perspectives didn't ask single-question.

00:11:44: Several of her friends' attempts to join the conversation failed after a couple words.

00:11:49: It came as no surprise when, after awhile four or five women were looking at their phones while self-absorbed presenter kept talking not even noticing and I caught myself quietly hoping she had known leadership responsibility.

00:12:05: Now one might assume that better listeners are more silent ones but thats what listening means.

00:12:12: It's not about turning into a sponge and just taking everything in.

00:12:17: The leaders rated the best listeners aren't silent ones, they are the ones who ask questions that promote discovery and insight.

00:12:25: so great listeners asked great questions but I have more value to share!

00:12:39: When people don't feel listened to, they simply stop telling us things.

00:12:44: Deep listening builds trust and psychological safety which are the foundations for honest upward communication and feedback.

00:12:52: when People believe we really listen To understand that a leader truly cares about what They think?

00:13:07: Most of us don't fail to listen because we simply don't care.

00:13:10: Our environment has a substantial impact, A manager buried under back-to-back meetings Stretched across too many people Running on no time for leadership Will reach for quick answers and solutions.

00:13:24: So this is not just an individual challenge.

00:13:27: An organization that wants leaders who listen Has to do more than send them to trainings.

00:13:33: It has to protect the time, remove power and feedback barriers.

00:13:37: Establish trust in psychological safety And it has to promote a culture where value of listening is acknowledged or rewarded.

00:13:46: For some companies this may include letting go outdated beliefs like following The assumption that listening makes leader look weak.

00:13:55: Research found opposite.

00:13:57: Leaders who listen are seen as more capable not less or the even wider belief that a leader is one with all answers and solutions.

00:14:06: Same goes for how we choose them, picking confident talker over thoughtful listener again-and-again then wondering why understanding so rare at top?

00:14:16: If keep running workplaces on such outdated beliefs no training in world will make things better.

00:14:23: Beliefs shape environments.

00:14:25: Environments determine.

00:14:26: behavior gets rewarded.

00:14:28: it's simplest truth to accept And it's the starting point for moving in a direction where the culture not only allows leadership, but the entire organization to listen.

00:14:39: Because it clearly is a skill we all need to train more.

00:14:43: A society of drained attention weakening human connection shows how little we invest.

00:14:50: Think about it.

00:14:51: Almost everyone believes they are a listener.

00:14:54: The explanation for this wishful perception is simple Being listened to and feeling understood is a human need.

00:15:02: It shapes our relationships, our friendships and the way we move through the world.

00:15:07: which brings me back to The AI Race.

00:15:10: because technology is deployed at speed that leaves almost no time to ask what it does for us.

00:15:17: We are so focused on productivity gains That we ignore What it does to our attention Our patience And ability To connect with other people.

00:15:27: Think about what AI offers.

00:15:29: An answer to almost everything instantly, no need wait and wonder or ask anyone.

00:15:36: There's a study called A.I in the wild.

00:15:39: It tracks how people actually use it year after year And for second-year running.

00:15:44: The number one use case isn't about work.

00:15:47: People mostly used it for companionship & therapy.

00:15:51: So many are turning into machines To feel heard and understood.

00:15:55: If the research on our listening abilities doesn't sound convincing enough, this definitely holds up the mirror.

00:16:02: Just consider the following – a chatbot doesn't interrupt or make us feel anxious about how we're being perceived.

00:16:09: It's available at two in the morning and it asks for nothing in return.

00:16:14: Why sit in the discomfort of conversation with human when AI already feels more attentive?

00:16:20: So it sounds like a fairly reasonable decision to turn into a chatbot.

00:16:23: They are built to make us feel heard, they mirror and validate us.

00:16:27: but that is the same performance of listening many people got trained on.

00:16:32: It comes without any real connection And no intention to understand.

00:16:37: I think there's pretty obvious risk to this.

00:16:39: The more we get used to it... ...the more a conversation with person With all its effort & friction will start feeling too much work.

00:16:48: Maybe you have come across the marketing stunt of friend.com.

00:16:52: Their CEO decided to market The wearable AI companion on huge posters with a lot of white space already expecting people To use it for comments independent Of the rage bait at produced With comments like stop profiting off of loneliness.

00:17:09: Ai wouldn't care if he lived or died.

00:17:12: This is surveillance and go make real friends.

00:17:15: He got exactly what he wanted viral posts on social media and a lot of attention for his product.

00:17:22: While the outcome of the campaign, And The Product itself remain questionable it feels kind-of telling when A twenty year old CEO pours that kind Of investment into this... ...and When he considers This product away forward For society That has lost the willingness & ability to listen.

00:17:40: It clearly underlines where we are heading if We don't invest in human connection now.

00:17:46: Machines simulate understanding.

00:17:48: They are trained to mimic human behavior, and people are easily deceived by how well they do it.

00:17:54: but no matter how well the stimulate we our social beings real human connection is how we got this far which means that capacity we have under-trained for decades Is about become one of most valuable qualities a leader can bring.

00:18:11: But hearing his episode will not make you a great listener any more than hearing about a gym routine makes you fit.

00:18:18: Deep listening is NOT A SET OF TECHNICS, it requires intention and intention cannot be faked.

00:18:25: people feel the difference between someone performing attention And someone actually hearing them So MORE technique IS NOT THE ANSWER.

00:18:34: We can't fix this by nodding more By paraphrasing better or asking questions for the sake of planting an answer.

00:18:41: What truly changes our behavior is building the intention itself, developing the genuine wish to understand another person.

00:18:50: Only then will the practices that help you do it become effective.

00:18:55: and That's what The Reflection episode on Thursdays for!

00:18:59: Try the following before listening to it In your next conversation catch the moment an answer starts rising in.

00:19:06: You.

00:19:06: just notice It...that where Listening begins Hit the subscribe button so you don't miss it.

00:19:12: Stay curious, stay tuned!

00:19:15: And thanks for tuning in to The New Work Playbook where work gets better because people matter.