Daring to Care

00:00:01: Do you know the difference between empathy and care?

00:00:18: Welcome to this week's main episode.

00:00:21: Over the years, I've seen a lot of leaders struggle with empathy….

00:00:25: …and for very different reasons – some had a lot it!

00:00:29: They often felt that they drained their energy.

00:00:32: Others had extensive training on it... ...and were still uncomfortable using or even talking about it And quite a number didn't see as useful ability at all.

00:00:44: Maybe you recognize yourself in what I just described.

00:00:48: As someone who scores higher on empathy, i had my own challenges.

00:00:52: Showing it was often misread as being too soft.

00:00:56: Not showing it got people to call me cold and too direct especially for a woman.

00:01:02: At some point It felt like I had to figure out when To turn it on And went to better switch it off?

00:01:08: It Was also hard For Me to see When it really helped the situation and when it didn't.

00:01:14: This only changed, When I understood what i had overlooked.

00:01:18: It was the link between empathy And care.

00:01:21: We often talk about Empathy & Care as if they are The same.

00:01:25: They Are connected But there aren´t a Same.

00:01:28: For me it Was quite A surprise when I learned that they don´t even Activate the same areas of our brain.

00:01:34: So let Me take you on a little Discovery Journey.

00:01:37: It has helped me understand what empathy and care really are, and why practicing both is what we need.

00:01:44: I had read Emotional Intelligence the book by Daniel Goldman during my studies.

00:01:48: it was first published in nineteen ninety five And not only became an international bestseller.

00:01:54: its shaped how We look at leadership and human connection.

00:01:58: So when i started My career In an american executive search company in two thousand five?

00:02:03: I Was expecting to be part of What we assessed on candidates But what I found is that it was barely touched.

00:02:10: And when talked about with leaders and customers, It felt like the idea of emotional intelligence had been bolted on top of management still heavily relied on.

00:02:20: Strongly controlled highly rational environments where word emotion immediately produced discomfort or at worst reactions like this.

00:02:29: Let's not talk these soft skills!

00:02:34: With the competency framework we started using from two thousand seven onwards, I saw the first shift at least in how we selected people.

00:02:42: We gave our customers candidate evaluations with the emotional and social competency layer —and this included empathy— but it had to be done with caution And most importantly in line with a primary leadership style At each client organization.

00:02:58: Only later when collaborative leadership became more popular we could put more emphasis on it.

00:03:04: Candidates started talking about empathy, and customers began asking for training that included it.

00:03:11: Over time the language of empathy got picked up.

00:03:14: Organizations became more focused on employee engagement And as many would say – More human.

00:03:19: That was a clear improvement But a lot managers were not really acting On their improved understanding Of human connection.

00:03:27: When I experienced my own empathy Was now contributing to better leadership.

00:03:32: I got curious to explore what was missing.

00:03:35: So, i started with the word empathy itself.

00:03:38: It's a relatively modern English word.

00:03:40: Psychologist Edward B. Tichner translated The German Word Einfühlung as feeling into and coined the word Empathy.

00:03:48: around nineteen hundred nine And What did I learn first?

00:03:53: At that time it didn't even mean what we use for today!

00:03:57: about projecting our own sensations onto objects looked at, like a piece of art.

00:04:06: Only in the nineteen forties did clinical psychology start using it in ways that developed into our current understanding.

00:04:13: Just think about it.

00:04:15: We inherited a word That originally wasn't about people But more about feeling A connection with things.

00:04:21: What I learned next was that Daniel Goldman The godfather Of emotional intelligence Had updated his thinking over the years.

00:04:29: The book published in nineteen ninety-five described empathy as a single competence.

00:04:34: It was focused on three aspects, showing an interest and others feelings understanding emotional cues and being able to see things from their point of view.

00:04:45: all Three were about reading other people well And I think this is what most frameworks and training initiatives picked up.

00:04:52: primarily Empathy has the ability to read other peoples emotional state But together with Paul Ekman, he gave his previous work an important update in two thousand six.

00:05:04: After that He no longer described it as a single competency but has three separate ones.

00:05:11: The first is cognitive empathy Understanding people's feelings and reading what's going on inside them.

00:05:18: the second Is effective or would most people call emotional?

00:05:21: Empathy so feeling what others feel.

00:05:25: That's the kind of resonance most people talk about when they find empathy hard or even exhausting.

00:05:31: It is when other person's sadness, or pain lends in our body too!

00:05:36: The third one…is the one that changed everything.

00:05:40: Goldman called it Empathic Concern and this is important part.

00:05:45: His extension can be read like this I see you...I understand what your going through.

00:05:50: What Can i do to help which means the person is motivated to take action.

00:05:55: And it's important to know that this third ability doesn't follow automatically from The Other Two – a leader can be excellent at reading other people, they can feel deeply with them and still not be motivated or able to take any meaningful action.

00:06:11: Goldman updated his previous work within an important edition almost twenty years ago, Reading Someone's Emotional State, Feeling With Them & Doing Something To Help Them three separate capabilities, but it looks like people development largely kept teaching his earlier version.

00:06:29: What surprised me even more was that care specifically had been described as a key leadership practice long before Goldman got there.

00:06:38: Robert Greenleaf had written about servant leadership since the nineteen seventies.

00:06:43: Compassionate leadership came later than caring leadership.

00:06:47: different schools of thought but all of them naming CARE as central to human leadership.

00:06:54: So if CARE has not been missing from theory, it's been there for over fifty years!

00:06:59: Why didn't that translate into how people are actually trained?

00:07:03: Maybe the most surprising part in my discovery journey holds an answer... Tania Zinger is a social neuroscientist and psychologist.

00:07:11: For years she & her team have been studying empathy And what she calls compassion at level of brain.

00:07:18: In her research, she describes compassion as a state that combines warmth concern and the motivation to help.

00:07:26: So Zinger calls it compassion.

00:07:28: Goldman calls it empathic concern.

00:07:30: others call it care three names for this same underlying capability but put under the umbrella of empathy.

00:07:38: what singer in her team developed is a picture And what they found changes how we should think about empathy and care.

00:07:49: When we empathize with someone in pain, we feel a version of their pain ourselves – that is what makes empathy hard and uncomfortable!

00:07:58: We're not just witnessing people's distress —we are carrying our version of it—and humans are naturally inclined to avoid

00:08:05: pain.".

00:08:07: And Singer's research showed this happens because empathy activates the same parts of the brain.

00:08:15: Compassion does something different.

00:08:17: It doesn't pull us into the other person's pain, it connects empathy with care.

00:08:23: so they are in different operations and They're not meant to work alone.

00:08:28: Empathy gives Us The information.

00:08:30: Care Moves Us To Do Something With It.

00:08:33: Most Of Us Have Been Leading With Empathy But Without Care.

00:08:37: No Wonder It Has Drained So Much Energy without Producing Better Results!

00:08:42: Our empathy was just mirroring what another person felt.

00:08:46: It didn't motivate us to provide the help people actually needed, but as you can see our body has always carried this connection.

00:08:54: using it had become difficult through the language we used.

00:08:59: Now a certain thing there are few more reasons why care got left behind in practice But timing was probably what mattered most for leadership development by The time neuroscience made the distinction.

00:09:11: our understanding of empathy was built around the language we used, and it had become version that could be measured and observed.

00:09:19: It hadn't been recognized that empathy & care are separate trainable and observable capabilities.

00:09:26: so mixing empathy with Care has led us to focus heavily on only one side of the coin And I think in terms leadership capabilities this cost more than yet realized.

00:09:39: Some of that cost shows in what we can regularly observe when managers have to respond difficult situations.

00:09:46: Let me invite you into a small exercise.

00:09:49: I'm going to give you two short dialogues.

00:09:51: listen carefully See if you can recognize the form of empathy each leader is operating on.

00:10:04: I can see this has been building for a while.

00:10:11: I have noticed it too, you and Mark have very different working styles...I know its not easy right now but the project is close to finish line.

00:10:22: hang on!

00:10:22: But It IS affecting our work.

00:10:24: we had another argument yesterday

00:10:26: This

00:10:26: time in front of team..it feels like he's actively picking fights with me.

00:10:31: How should i manage such situations?

00:10:34: I really appreciate your telling us.

00:10:37: Both of you are excellent professionals.

00:10:40: I have full confidence that You will find a way to work this out together.

00:10:44: Keep me posted on how it goes.

00:10:46: Okay,

00:10:46: i Will.

00:10:47: And now the second.

00:10:49: Well...I wanted us To talk about How things Have been going.

00:10:54: You know how much I appreciate having you On The team.

00:10:57: Uh..Thankyou Is everything alright?

00:11:01: I've Been thinking About last few months.

00:11:03: There've been several things that have not gone quite as good, As I hoped.

00:11:07: The integration project and the presentation.

00:11:10: last Tuesday.

00:11:11: You showed up late to several meetings.

00:11:14: i know you Have a lot on your plate.

00:11:17: there's just too much going On in

00:11:18: my life right now?

00:11:20: i Know the project didn't go well.

00:11:22: i Just can't seem To get on top of all the work.

00:11:25: i know it's A lot Right Now.

00:11:27: i'm sorry It feels overwhelming.

00:11:30: try to set clearer priorities.

00:11:32: I'm sorry, i know.

00:11:35: I don't want to make any excuses but it's just been too much!

00:11:40: I understand you.

00:11:41: we all struggle sometimes...I know I can do better.

00:11:45: thank you for understanding.

00:11:47: of course I know you will let's talk again next week.

00:11:53: did you notice the difference?

00:11:55: didn't the first conversation feel rather cold?

00:11:58: maybe you felt a second one was more empathetic.

00:12:01: What you experienced is the difference between cognitive and emotional empathy.

00:12:07: The first manager notices the conflict, he understands why it's problematic but doesn't feel with his team member... ...and isn't motivated to help.

00:12:16: That is Cognitive Empathy without Care!

00:12:20: The person who comes in asking for Help leaves Without It And additional weight of being told To sort out herself.

00:12:27: The second Manager practices both cognitive and emotional empathy, but her discomfort with having to address the performance issues leads her to sugarcoat them with empathy.

00:12:39: She feels it so vividly that the actual message gets lost as the conversation goes on.

00:12:45: Her team member might catch a hint about prioritization But probably feel more relieved than excused then urged to change his behavior.

00:12:54: Empathy without care again just with more emotional connection.

00:12:58: Kim Scott, author of the book Radical Candor calls this runous empathy.

00:13:04: A manager gets so focused on protecting someone from discomfort that the person leaves a room reassured.

00:13:10: they're doing fine They have nothing to act on and next conversation most likely won't be about improved performance.

00:13:18: The challenge with this form of empathy is it requires energy without getting us anywhere.

00:13:25: I experienced this a couple of years ago with the client.

00:13:28: Working with the leader, I observed a situation that wasn't working.

00:13:33: He was experienced and successful A warm an empathetic person But he didn't know how to handle this situation.

00:13:40: That became more and more problematic.

00:13:43: One of his team members Was going through very difficult time.

00:13:46: A close family member had become seriously ill.

00:13:49: The kind illness cannot be treated in few weeks.

00:13:53: The employee was doing her best while taking care of a family, but she couldn't keep up.

00:14:07: He couldn't find a solution because he was stuck on empathy.

00:14:27: A few years earlier, he had also taken care of his sick family member so that he knew exactly what she was going through and felt with her how much he relived the past instead having a clear conversation about this not working for both sides.

00:14:44: I

00:14:45: really know how hard it is...I've been there myself.

00:14:49: The missing piece?

00:14:51: The ability to help the care for her, his team and finding a solution.

00:14:56: You see I was actually there to support them on different topics but without a solution he would have had no chance of moving forward so my work would've failed.

00:15:07: So i gave him direction with single question Have you asked what she needs most right now?

00:15:13: I still remember his surprised look.

00:15:15: He clearly hadn't asked that But immediately understood why this matter.

00:15:21: The answer wasn't more empathy for her situation, the answer he got when finally asked was time and security.

00:15:30: He eventually had a harder conversation but it's one that let both of them to see what could be done And although this isn't an easy solution they managed find agreement.

00:15:43: not only allowed her take more time with family.

00:15:47: He managed to shift part of her work and freed the team's capacity again.

00:15:55: Finally, he took care... ...and did what could help him!

00:16:00: Now before we move further into Care I just want to mention another form of Empathy.

00:16:05: It is called Dark Empathy.

00:16:07: Maybe you've come across it.

00:16:09: If you listened to this episode called The Power Paradox You may remember the dark tri-trades Noisysm, Archivalianism And subclinical Psychopathy.

00:16:20: In the episode, I also talked about managers high on these traits using the language of empathy to manipulate.

00:16:28: For many years personality psychologists assumed a lack of empathy... ...to be a key reason for such leaders to behave their way.

00:16:36: they do So.

00:16:37: when they studied people High On These Traits They expected To Find No Empathy.

00:16:43: Surprisingly!

00:16:44: They didn't.

00:16:45: About one in five People In Their Study scored high on both dark triad rates and empathy, And the rate appears even higher in senior management positions.

00:16:56: What surprised the researchers most was that these people scored High On Both Kinds Of Empathy Cognitive & Effective Empathy.

00:17:05: The cognitive ability clearly makes sense.

00:17:08: Such People Thrive Because They Can Read People Well!

00:17:12: The emotional empathy can be debated.

00:17:14: Most wouldn't expect such people to actually feel the distress of other people when we see how they handle it.

00:17:21: Whether the people in this study actually felt it, or whether they have learned to perform feeling it convincingly.

00:17:27: even research can't fully tell us but the result is the same.

00:17:32: what was clearly missing was compassion The ability to connect empathy with care and the willingness to help.

00:17:39: So giving empathy training to leaders high on dark tri-trades will not get them to care.

00:17:46: They will just use it more effectively to manipulate.

00:17:50: And this not only matters in how we select and promote such people, It has a strong impact on the people they work with especially the ones that lead.

00:18:07: They are often the ones who create and support environments where dark triad trades get overlooked, even rewarded.

00:18:18: Now when I say we got lost in translation and focus too much on empathy at the cost of overlooking care... ...I'm not saying that we should invest less in empathy because Dark Empathy & The Lack Of Care only thrive Where Empathy And Care Are Not Part Of The Leadership Culture and we can observe carelessness across all layers of our society.

00:18:39: That's why I'm saying it needs more attention now, especially because AI technology holds the power that could move humanity into very different directions toward our extinction or our extension.

00:18:53: using AI as a tool that finally shows that we care.

00:18:58: The stakes are high.

00:18:59: We can see this by now.

00:19:02: So what is Care?

00:19:05: And how is it different?

00:19:07: Let me give you the clearest definition I've come across.

00:19:10: It comes from philosopher Nell Knottings, she wrote about care in the nineteen eighties Decades before neuroscience could scan our brains to see where its sits.

00:19:21: She said that care has two parts.

00:19:23: The first part is full attention to a person really seeing them hearing what they are saying and What They're not Saying.

00:19:32: This Is the Empathy Part developing the resonance and willingness to be present in someone's situation.

00:19:39: The second part is what turns attention into action, our motivation shifts we stop being focused on our goals and what feels easier for us so not protecting our image of being a nice leader or avoiding harder conversations.

00:19:55: instead We shift towards actually helps giving feedback that needs to land Instead of sugarcoating it with empathy Finding ways that really help both sides and are not just focused on company goals.

00:20:09: Empathy in care connect, In a way That allows for decisions that bring real solutions.

00:20:14: And these decisions Are NOT soft at all!

00:20:18: Thats what my customer did.

00:20:19: He found the best possible solution by having The harder conversation.

00:20:24: that situation wasn't sustainable By shifting from his discomfort of having to address it before finding a solution acceptable to both sides.

00:20:35: Nottings call this motivational displacement.

00:20:39: Our motivation shifts from our own goals, to the other person's needs.

00:20:44: The point she made was that care without that reorientation isn't really care It is just understanding.

00:20:53: So yes, understanding is our starting point and most us already managed pretty well.

00:20:59: Now it's time to act.

00:21:01: If you want feel the difference between empathy and care in your own leadership, just one question can already do a lot for moving into action.

00:21:10: I already mentioned this earlier.

00:21:13: What Do You Need Most Right now?

00:21:15: The single questions changes orientation of whole conversation.

00:21:20: It moves out from your own resonance And into other person reality.

00:21:24: It signals that are willing something with what they're hearing.

00:21:28: This also gives the person in front of you a chance to reflect on this themselves.

00:21:33: People will struggle, not only need empathy they also need orientation towards a solution and that is clearly the responsibility of a leader To give orientation toward finding a solution.

00:21:46: Now for anyone who still struggles with the word care I really hope this episode was able to show you That Care Is Not A Personality Trade.

00:21:55: It is also not primarily a female skill or whatever kind of stereotype you have learned to associate it with.

00:22:03: Care Is Human And its an ability we all develop through experiencing care ourselves.

00:22:10: This starts when were born as helpless little babies dependent on care to survive.

00:22:16: and certainly, We All Experienced Care In Very Different Ways.

00:22:20: Maybe that's something which let most training programs stay away from.

00:22:24: When you look at your own caring behavior and how you respond to other people's needs, You will also reflect on the care you've received yourself.

00:22:33: So it comes along with a lot of introspection And self-awareness work connected To How We Care!

00:22:40: so if you haven't experienced A Caring Environment or Relationships in The Past... ...you can be drawn back into these experiences The moment you start practicing care.

00:22:50: I grew up very independently because both of my parents were working and had to take care of myself from an early age.

00:22:58: The independence and self-responsibility that i developed, was often something I was proud but they left me less caring in situations when other people required more help.

00:23:09: As a younger manager ,I strongly focused on getting people solve problems by themselves And it took couple challenging situation to finally reflect on this self-focus and care enough to shift my perspective.

00:23:25: No one can do that in a word for you, but the moment you move towards genuine care independent of your own experience You will learn something extremely valuable Care propagates.

00:23:38: It's almost infectious The moment we start caring about others.

00:23:42: it often creates a domino effect That travels through entire teams And organizations.

00:23:48: And the best part, care can be trained.

00:23:51: Tania Zinger's lab has been studying what happens in the brain when people practice care deliberately and what they found is striking daily practice over just a few weeks changes our brains response.

00:24:05: People who train care show stronger activation In the networks tied to warmth motivation and helping and less activation which means they can feel what another person is going through without collapsing into it.

00:24:22: You see, practicing care actually helps us to be present and act – that's the shift we're looking for!

00:24:30: Not less empathy but more care to turn it in useful action.

00:24:35: So when I look at challenges coming along with care Daring-to-care says exactly what you need.

00:24:42: It isn't just courage.

00:24:44: We also need to accept that we've been trained on an incomplete picture.

00:24:49: If you didn't experience much care yourself and reflecting on it feels too tough, dare-to-care do the work – It helps!

00:24:58: And of course Care needs courage because it clearly costs us something…it costs us time hard conversations agency and advocacy for human needs.

00:25:08: decisions that don't protect our comfort actions that turn into caring leadership instead.

00:25:16: Empathy gives us the language to understand others better, care gives us motivation and ideas to help them.

00:25:24: So let's dare-to-care!

00:25:26: And turn it in a key leadership practice.

00:25:30: In The Reflection episode I will give you practices That are good starting point.

00:25:35: Now one small note before we close.

00:25:38: A number of you have come back To me with same observation.

00:25:42: Mondays are already attention-heavy.

00:25:45: A new episode landing on top of all your newsfeeds is not the best timing, and more important you said the reflection episodes on Fridays were arriving a bit late so I moved to publication.

00:25:58: main episodes now drop on Tuesdays Reflection Episodes on Thursdays closer together better timed.

00:26:06: Thank You for telling me keep it coming And stay curious.

00:26:10: Stay tuned.

00:26:12: Thanks for tuning into the New Work Playbook.

00:26:14: Where work gets better, because people matter!