Rebuilding Trust in Yourself and with Others

00:00:14: What do you think is the moral value most people name across cultures?

00:00:20: When asked about the values they live by Hello and welcome back.

00:00:26: This is the reflection episode following The Broken Spine, the episode where we explored the declining trust in leaders Across all levels of our society And how it connects to the loss of self-trust.

00:00:40: So if you want to capture that before hearing anything in ourselves and with others, I recommend listening to it first.

00:00:49: Regarding the question most people answer honesty when asked about moral values they live by And maybe you would name as well.

00:00:58: Then let me ask another question How often have we passed on an opportunity To kindly tell someone that there is something between their teeth That their fly's open?

00:01:10: or that some other awkward mark on them would make them feel embarrassed once they realized how many people there must have passed in this condition.

00:01:18: Be honest, I can definitely remember how i used to avoid saying something at such moments.

00:01:25: It changed the day when a stranger held me back.

00:01:29: she protected from quite an embarrassment as was about walk out of her bathroom with my skirt not fully pulled down.

00:01:37: For the first time, I realized the kindness in that act.

00:01:41: And I cherished her honesty by inviting her for a

00:01:43: drink.".

00:01:44: She told me she'd hesitated because of the unease telling what she observed but then imagined it would be like if i walked out into restaurant and noticed later.

00:01:57: So with warm smile she said hey you might want to check your skirt before step outside.

00:02:03: This changed how handle such situations.

00:02:06: I started looking for kind ways to say it, sometimes with humor.

00:02:11: Always!

00:02:12: With the goal of not making other people feel exposed but showing that they cared.

00:02:17: So often use... What I have noticed is this.

00:02:38: No one has ever pushed back.

00:02:40: when i've done it with care, people are almost always relieved maybe embarrassed for a second then thankful that they're no longer walking around exposed.

00:02:50: research on such moments has shown something interesting.

00:02:54: the actual cost of speaking up is small The embarrassment we expect from ourselves.

00:03:02: But considering how small effort and cost in such situations are, doesn't it feel contradictory if someone who avoided it calls honesty and care for others a core value?

00:03:15: You see we often confuse politeness with kindness.

00:03:19: And we barely notice how often we choose comfort over real honesty & care.

00:03:25: We chose the little white lies.

00:03:27: polite mannerisms replace acts of kindness And we find excuses for betraying our own values and thinking when it gets uncomfortable.

00:03:37: If you listen to the main episode, You will remember that these small acts of moving away from our own integrity... ...and what we actually stand for compound to have a significant influence on losing self-trust.

00:03:50: But self trust is the foundation of how we move through the world.. ..and act especially when things are off When We're being tested On Our Values.

00:03:59: In the main episode, I said that the erosion of trust in leaders has not only been confirmed by research.

00:04:06: We can see a decline across all layers of society – in news every day!

00:04:28: that are out of our control, we still decide.

00:04:32: Even in a complex world like ours where news headlines feel more paralyzing each day – We choose which products we buy and use Which terms & conditions we accept Which values we live by And which leaders we follow.

00:04:49: So when say value honesty…we need to be honest with ourselves and check how often we let the easy way out overrule our own integrity.

00:05:00: And today is about the practices that help us.

00:05:04: I will show you what can actually do to rebuild trust in ourselves, with people around us.

00:05:11: Most conversations on Trust especially at workplaces focus on Trust between People How We Can Build It With Co-Workers and Our Teams Ways To Earn It From Customers and how we can rebuild it when its broken.

00:05:26: These are clearly important questions, but self-trust is a key layer underneath them.

00:05:33: Trust with others is built on trust within ourselves.

00:05:37: When we don't trust our selves We cannot show up reliably for others.

00:05:42: And Our Self-Trust shows in seemingly small moments Like when instead of sharing challenges and talking about uncertainty openly We perform confidence.

00:05:55: When often enough, we simply don't walk the talk expecting or saying one thing and doing another Or when we make promises... ...we cannot keep And agree too quickly to things that actually do not support.

00:06:08: All of those are NOT dramatic.

00:06:10: Still they ARE a lack of reliability To ourselves.

00:06:15: So let me give you two ways to rebuild your self-trust.

00:06:18: The first is a reflection.

00:06:21: I call it What I stand for.

00:06:23: Most people have never sat down and named their values explicitly.

00:06:28: We carry them around assuming we know what they are, but the moment you actually write them down things start to surface that you might not expect.

00:06:38: if You want take a small notebook on The first page right down the values.

00:06:42: then every evening of the next week Take a minute to ask yourself Where did i act in line with these today?

00:06:50: And where Did I sidestep them?

00:06:52: The gap between our stated and lived values is where the work on self-trust begins.

00:06:58: You may realize that some values were just inherited, and no longer match who you are today.

00:07:04: Reflect on why you try to hold them up and why they no longer resonate with you!

00:07:20: And some values you consider non-negotiable can turn out more flexible the moment they become inconvenient.

00:07:28: Self trust is built on values and integrity, but values that have not been named cannot be lived consciously….

00:07:36: …and values which do not track against your behaviour stay aspirational – this reflection makes them visible!

00:07:43: The second self trust practice... ...is a bit harder to do but more transformative.

00:07:48: I call it choose discomfort.

00:07:51: As mentioned, a lot of self-trust failure happens when it costs us something even if its the small awkward moment telling someone that broccoli seems to be growing between their teeth.

00:08:04: So think about conversations.

00:08:05: you avoid The moments your softener disagreements A sugarcoat a message so much That It Doesn't Lend.

00:08:13: When was last time you reversed decision because sticking with it fell too costly for You?

00:08:19: And maybe the hardest check, when did you last trust yourself enough to fight for what you stand for?

00:08:24: Especially if it came with challenges.

00:08:27: Whenever we move of our value track relief might be immediate but the cost eventually shows up later.

00:08:33: so The practice I want to offer you is to stay with just one moment off discomfort each day.

00:08:40: Do it for slightly longer than your normally would Just say.

00:08:44: in this situation If you want to end an uncomfortable discussion, take a breath.

00:08:49: Listen to the other person and ask them if they understood correctly.

00:08:54: Use your own words and ask what is really meant To confirm this.

00:09:01: it's just small act but can protect from big misunderstanding.

00:09:06: There are silence in meeting that often rushes to fill.

00:09:09: Stop!

00:09:10: Hold moment and observe.

00:09:12: Maybe someone is about to say something that otherwise gets overlooked.

00:09:17: A feedback lands harder than you expected, except it did even if its uncomfortable!

00:09:23: Don't try to soften just because of how it was perceived.

00:09:27: Review what you said later and when you realize that didn't reflect on your words, rephrase them back.

00:09:35: This is how we learn & develop.

00:09:37: By going through the situation a little bit longer You will not only discover that it doesn't kill you, but also catch the moments in which you tend to escape the fastest.

00:09:49: We all flee from different things – some try to avoid conflict by all means….

00:09:55: Some cannot bear silence….

00:09:57: Others sting perfection as achievable and hide anything that could destroy this illusion!

00:10:03: Many of us avoid disappointing others …and rather promise something health-heartedly than say no form and then we end up breaking promises.

00:10:14: Understanding your pattern is half the work, The other half is changing what you need to change in order to stay true to yourself?

00:10:23: Choose a discomfort sit with it And observe What happens?

00:10:29: Now let us turn to trust With others.

00:10:33: Strong self-trust will make It easier To build rebuild or maintain Trusts with Others But it also requires consistency and continuous practice.

00:10:44: Let me give you one reflection, And One Practice for that side too!

00:10:48: The Reflection is about the promises That we make to others.

00:10:53: Trust between You & Your Team With your customers or your partner.

00:10:58: Compounce through all of the small commitments That you sticked To….

00:11:02: …and Of course It breaks Through the ones that you don't keep.

00:11:05: Many leaders accumulate broken Promises without realizing Like the answer you said, he would give by the end of day but gives two days later a broken promise.

00:11:16: The time for your team's development.

00:11:18: You said you wouldn't invest But cut when your schedule gets tighter.

00:11:22: another broken Promise!

00:11:39: are keeping count.

00:11:40: We do track whether people's words align with their actions, and after enough small breaks trust becomes brittle.

00:11:48: so this week I'm inviting you to pay attention to your commitments.

00:11:53: how often do you promise you will do something?

00:11:55: Notice whether you stick to even the smallest commitments.

00:11:59: similar to my respect stacking exercise.

00:12:02: This is just about awareness.

00:12:05: Observe it Track It See The Patterns.

00:12:08: When do you keep your promises?

00:12:10: Where or with whom, Do tend to break them most.

00:12:14: When do choose comfort over effort The patterns will tell something about when are reliable and who can count on the most.

00:12:23: This connects directly to self-trust work Because word is a word Whether give it yourself Or someone else.

00:12:31: If don't show up reliably for yourselves The pattern also repeat in how others.

00:12:38: The next practice for trust with others is small but powerful.

00:12:43: I call it asking before assuming Most trust.

00:12:47: failures between people happen through assumptions and misunderstandings that no one corrects.

00:12:54: We walk away from conversations believing we understood the other person when we are really just acting on different interpretations, And after enough of these, trust starts to erode in ways where we can no longer trace back to how it all started.

00:13:15: The practice is simple when you notice yourself making an assumption about what someone else thinks once or means.

00:13:23: You asked them directly.

00:13:24: instead.

00:13:25: I assumed you wanted me take the lead on this.

00:13:28: Is that right?

00:13:29: I read your message as meaning That you are not able help me.

00:13:35: You went quiet after what I said in the meeting.

00:13:38: Did something land badly?

00:13:40: These are not difficult questions, but they may feel uncomfortable and certainly take some time and effort.

00:13:46: That's why most of us don't ask them.

00:13:48: instead we default to assumptions But when we act on assumptions We shouldn't be surprised.

00:13:54: When a relationship feels off later The practice is to interrupt ourselves at the assumption stage.

00:14:02: Before you act on what you think someone meant, do the check.

00:14:06: It only takes a few seconds and it can save entire relationships.

00:14:11: You will discover that our assumptions are wrong way more often than we think sometimes ridiculously wrong.

00:14:20: For example What we read as someone withdrawing themselves could just be tiredness.

00:14:26: Someone's criticism was just care delivered in the wrong way.

00:14:31: What we consider to be silent agreement was someone who just didn't want to disagree in front of others.

00:14:38: So knowing the truth instead of acting on assumptions is what makes trust possible.

00:14:44: Let me briefly bring all today's practices together.

00:14:48: Self-trust is built through naming, where you stand for and staying with a discomfort of challenging yourself To see if your live in line with it.

00:14:58: Trust with others is built through keeping the promises you make and asking before assuming.

00:15:04: These practices are small, their power is consistency After a few weeks of continued practice.

00:15:12: You will notice it in yourself And your relationships.

00:15:16: In next episode we're going to talk about genuine care.

00:15:20: trust & care go hand-in-hand.

00:15:23: Care needs trust on both sides.

00:15:26: It is the next key leadership practice that we'll explore on Monday.

00:15:31: Until then, stay curious and tuned!

00:15:34: Thanks for tuning in to The New Work Playbook where work gets better because people matter.