Rebuilding Trust in Yourself and with Others

00:00:14: What do you think is the moral value most people name across cultures when asked about values they live by?

00:00:22: Hello and welcome back.

00:00:24: This is The Reflection episode following the broken spine, where we explored the declining trust in leaders across all levels of our society.

00:00:37: So if you want to capture that, before hearing anything about how we can rebuild trust in ourselves and with others I recommend listening to it first.

00:00:47: Regarding the question most people answer honesty when asked about moral values they live by And maybe you would name as well.

00:00:55: Then let me ask another question How often have you passed on opportunity to kindly tell someone That there is something between their teeth?

00:01:06: or that some other awkward mark on them would make them feel embarrassed once they realized how many people there must have passed in this condition.

00:01:14: Be honest, I can definitely remember how i used to avoid saying something at such moments.

00:01:21: It changed the day when a stranger held me back.

00:01:24: She protected from quite an embarrassment as was about walk out of her bathroom with my skirt not fully pulled down.

00:01:32: For first time ,i realize the kindness And I cherished her honesty by inviting her for a drink.

00:01:39: She told me that she'd hesitated because of the unease of telling what she observed, but then she imagined it would be like if i walked out into this restaurant and noticed later.

00:01:51: So with a warm smile she said hey you might want to check your skirt before step outside.

00:01:57: This changed how handle such situations Sometimes with humor, always.

00:02:06: With the goal of not making the other person feel exposed but showing I cared.

00:02:11: So i often use... I just want to mention you have something on your chin!

00:02:16: I wish someone would've told me that last time I did Or after a shared meal.

00:02:21: Hey do I have something between my teeth?

00:02:24: Most people will ask you to return the favor or quickly check themselves.

00:02:29: What I noticed is this No one has ever pushed back when I've done it with care.

00:02:34: People are almost always relieved, maybe embarrassed for a second then thankful that they're no longer walking around exposed.

00:02:43: Research on such moments has shown something interesting.

00:02:47: The actual cost of speaking up is small.

00:02:50: the embarrassment we expect from ourselves Is what stops us.

00:02:55: But considering how small effort and cost in such situations are, doesn't it feel contradictory if someone who avoided it calls honesty a core value?

00:03:05: You see we often confuse politeness with kindness.

00:03:09: And we barely notice how often we choose comfort over real honesty and care.

00:03:15: We chose the little white lies.

00:03:17: polite mannerisms replace acts of kindness And we find excuses for betraying our own values and thinking when it gets uncomfortable.

00:03:26: If you listen to the main episode, You will remember that these small acts of moving away from our own integrity... ...and what we actually stand for compound to have a significant influence on losing self-trust.

00:03:39: But self trust is The foundation Of how We move through the world and act especially When things are off!

00:03:48: In the main episode, I said that the erosion of trust in leaders has not only been confirmed by research.

00:03:54: We can see a decline across all layers of society – in news every day!

00:04:13: Because despite the many things that are out of our control, we still decide.

00:04:18: Even in a complex world like ours where news headlines feel more paralyzing each day We choose which products we buy and use Which terms & conditions we accept Which values we live by And which leaders we follow.

00:04:34: So when say value honesty We need to be honest with ourselves and check how often we let the easy way out overrule our own integrity.

00:04:45: And today is about the practices that help us!

00:04:48: I will show you what can actually do to rebuild trust in ourselves, as well as people around us.

00:04:55: Most conversations on trust – especially at workplaces – focus on trust between people… …how we build it with co-workers... ...and our teams — ways of earning from customers and how we can rebuild it when its broken.

00:05:09: These are clearly important questions, but self-trust is a key layer underneath them.

00:05:15: Trust with others is built on trust within ourselves.

00:05:19: When we don't trust our selves We cannot show up reliably for others And Our Self-Trust shows in seemingly small moments Like instead of sharing challenges and talking about uncertainty openly We perform confidence.

00:05:35: When often enough, we simply don't walk the talk expecting or saying one thing and doing another.

00:05:41: Or when we make promises – We cannot keep!

00:05:44: And agree too quickly to things that actually do not support.

00:05:48: All of those aren't dramatic.

00:05:50: Still they are a lack of reliability To ourselves.

00:05:54: So let me give you two ways to rebuild your self-trust.

00:05:58: The first is reflection.

00:06:01: I call it what i stand for.

00:06:03: Most people have never sat down and named their values explicitly.

00:06:08: We carry them around assuming we know what they are, but the moment you actually write them down things start to surface that You might not expect.

00:06:17: if you want take a small notebook on The first page write down the values then every evening of the next week Take a minute to ask yourself Where did I act in line with these today?

00:06:29: And where did I sidestep them?

00:06:31: The gap between our stated and lived values is where the work on self-trust begins.

00:06:38: You may realize that some values were just inherited, and no longer match who you are today.

00:06:44: Reflect on why you try to hold them up and why they no longer resonate with you!

00:06:48: You will notice that some value don't talk or think about.

00:06:52: much other ones probably want to live by most.

00:06:55: Bringing those into your awareness will get you to recognize their value And some values you consider non-negotiable can turn out more flexible the moment they become inconvenient.

00:07:07: Self trust is built on values and integrity, but values you haven't named cannot be lived consciously….

00:07:15: …and values you don't track against.

00:07:17: your behavior stay aspirational – this reflection makes them visible!

00:07:23: The second self-trust practice is a bit harder to do... ...but more transformative.

00:07:28: I call it choose discomfort.

00:07:30: As mentioned, a lot of self-trust failure happens when it costs us something even if its the small awkward moment of telling someone that broccoli seems to be growing between their teeth.

00:07:42: So think about conversations.

00:07:43: you avoid The moments you soften a disagreement A sugarcoat a message so much That It Doesn't Lend.

00:07:50: When was last time your reversed decision because sticking with it fell too costly for You?

00:07:56: And maybe the hardest check, when did you last trust yourself enough to fight for what you stand for?

00:08:02: Especially if it came with challenges.

00:08:05: Whenever we move of our value track relief might be immediate but the cost eventually shows up later.

00:08:11: so The practice I want to offer you is to stay with just one moment off discomfort each day.

00:08:17: Do it for slightly longer than your normally would Just say.

00:08:21: in this situation If you want to end an uncomfortable discussion, take a breath.

00:08:26: Listen the other person and ask them if they understood correctly.

00:08:32: Use your own words and ask what is really meant?

00:08:37: To confirm this it's just small act but can protect from big misunderstanding.

00:08:43: There are silence in meeting that you often rush.

00:08:45: fill stop hold moment observe.

00:08:49: Maybe someone is about to say something that otherwise gets overlooked.

00:09:14: By going through this situation just a little bit longer, you will not only discover that it doesn't kill you.

00:09:20: You also catch the moments in which you tend to escape the fastest.

00:09:25: We all flee from different things.

00:09:28: Some try to avoid conflict by all means.

00:09:31: some cannot bear silence.

00:09:32: others think perfection is achievable and hide anything That could destroy that illusion.

00:09:38: Many of us avoid disappointing others And rather promise something health-heartedly.

00:09:44: then say no from the start, and we end up breaking promises.

00:09:48: Understanding your pattern is half-the work.

00:09:51: The other half is changing what you need to change in order stay true yourself Choose a discomfort Sit with it Observe What Happens.

00:10:02: Now.

00:10:02: let us turn to trust with others.

00:10:05: Strong self-trust will make it easier To build Rebuild or maintain Trust With Others But it also requires consistency and continuous practice.

00:10:16: Let me give you one reflection, And One Practice for that side too!

00:10:21: The Reflection is about the promises That we make to others.

00:10:25: Trust between You & Your Team With your customers Or your partner Compounds through all of the small commitments That you sticked To... ...And Of course It breaks Through the ones that you don't keep.

00:10:36: Many leaders Accumulate broken promises Without realizing Like the answer you said that would give by end of day, but gave two days later.

00:10:45: A broken promise!

00:10:47: The time for your team's development.

00:10:49: You said you wouldn't invest But cut when your schedule gets tighter.

00:10:53: Another broken promise….

00:10:54: The follow-up is what you'd do.

00:10:56: That quietly disappeared into next priority.

00:11:00: And another one.

00:11:01: Each one is small.

00:11:03: Each feels excusable or even neglectible... ...but people on receiving are keeping count.

00:11:10: We do track whether people's words align with their actions.

00:11:13: And after enough small breaks, trust becomes brittle!

00:11:17: So this week I'm inviting you to pay attention to your commitments.

00:11:22: How often do you promise that you will do something?

00:11:24: Notice if you stick even the smallest commitment.

00:11:28: Similar my respect-stacking exercise This is just about awareness Observe it Track It See The Patterns.

00:11:36: When Do You Keep Your Promises?

00:11:38: Where or With Whom Do you tend to break them most?

00:11:42: When do you choose comfort over

00:11:44: effort?".

00:11:44: The patterns will tell something about when are reliable and who can count on the most.

00:11:51: This connects directly with self-trust work, because your word is a word – whether give it yourself or someone else!

00:11:58: If you don't show up reliably for yourselves, the pattern also repeats in how we show others.

00:12:05: The next practice of trust with other people is small but powerful.

00:12:09: I call it asking before assuming.

00:12:12: Most trust failures between people happen through assumptions and misunderstandings that no one corrects.

00:12:19: We walk away from conversations believing we understood the other person when we are really just acting on different interpretations.

00:12:28: The next conversation then carries that interpretation And after enough of these, trust starts to erode in ways where we can no longer trace back To how it all started.

00:12:38: The practice is simple.

00:12:40: When you notice yourself making an assumption about what someone else thinks, wants or means.

00:12:46: You ask them directly instead.

00:12:48: I assumed you wanted me to take the lead on this.

00:12:51: Is that right?

00:12:52: I read your message as meaning That you are not able to help Me!

00:12:56: Is that

00:12:56: correct?!

00:12:57: You went quiet after What i said in a meeting Did something land badly.

00:13:02: These aren't difficult questions But they may feel uncomfortable And certainly takes some time and effort.

00:13:08: That's why most of us don't ask them.

00:13:10: Instead, we default to assumptions.

00:13:13: but when we act on assumptions We shouldn't be surprised.

00:13:16: When a relationship feels off later The practice is to interrupt ourselves at the assumption stage Before you act On what do think someone meant?

00:13:26: Do that check.

00:13:27: It only takes few seconds and it can save entire relationships.

00:13:32: You will discover our assumptions are wrong way more often than we think Sometimes ridiculously wrong.

00:13:39: For example, what we read as someone withdrawing themselves could just be tiredness.

00:13:45: Someone's criticism was just care delivered in the wrong way.

00:13:49: What we consider to be silent agreement Was someone who just didn't want to disagree In front of others.

00:13:56: So knowing the truth instead Of acting on assumptions is what makes trust possible.

00:14:01: Let me briefly bring all todays practices together.

00:14:05: Self-trust is built through naming what you stand for and staying with the discomfort of challenging yourself to see if you live in line with it.

00:14:14: Trust, with others ,is build through keeping the promises You make and asking before assuming These practices are small.

00:14:23: their power Is consistency.

00:14:25: after a few weeks Of continued practice?

00:14:28: You will notice It In Yourself And In your Relationships.

00:14:32: In the next episode, we're going to talk about genuine care.

00:14:36: Trust and care go hand in hand!

00:14:38: Care needs trust on both sides.

00:14:41: It's the next key leadership practice that will explore.

00:14:44: Until then stay curious.

00:14:46: Stay tuned.

00:14:48: Thanks for tuning into The New Work Playbook where work gets better because people matter.